DO.YOU.NEED.TO.USE.THE.TOILET?

Back in September of 2008 I had decided to enter the Erasmus world and live and study in Germany. Little did I know that it was the best decision I had ever made. Throughout my later teenage years I was suffering with stomach pains, fatigue, passing out in dangerous places and all that other nasty stuff us crohnies have to face. Not one doctor over the space of three years could figure out what on earth was wrong. After two weeks in a German hospital and after a thorough and I mean thorough investigation of my entire insides they were able to pinpoint what was wrong. October 2008 was officially the birthday of my Crohns disease born in Bamberg Krankenhaus Germany. If you ever find yourself in Germany with a gastro problem, here are some phrases you should become farmiliar with.

Windel - Nappy

Going to live in a foreign country when your grasp of the language is rough around the edges is quite daunting. Going there and being omitted to a hospital where no one can speak English is hilarious. You expected me to say terrifying, well it was side splitting. The language barrier was frustrating but it was also comical. I found myself agreeing to things in which I had no interest. If you agree to an Erwachsene Windel do expect nappies (diapers for those across the pond) to arrive at the end of your bed. Erwachsen translates to adult, and Windel translates to nappy. Now what I thought the nurse said was Dirndl and not Windel, which is a traditional Bavarian dress worn at Oktoberfest. As it was October and Oktoberfest was on the T.V. in the background I thought the nurse was making polite conversation. So what I thought I heard was “Do you like adult dirndls” I replied “Yes I would love to wear one when I finally get out of here, and bring one back to Ireland as a souvenir” Now these adult nappies are not like a larger version of what a baby wears. They were more like something you place in your underwear. In my mind I was thinking, wow those are enormous sanitary pads, but how kind of her to place some at the end of my bed. Not only were a bunch left at the end of my bed, when I left the nurse asked since I didn’t use them if I would I like to bring them home. She also wished me a safe trip back to Ireland. I was very confused. I never mentioned going home to Ireland. I swear it took me about 6 months to figure that one out. 

Grüß Gott – God be with you ( a Bavarian greeting )

                I was lucky enough to have a handsome young doctor. He insisted that I use the informal du rather than the formal Sie. In the German language there is an informal and formal way to say the word you. He was quite friendly and would greet me in English and by my first name and everything was generally informal. However the woman next to me was older as was her doctor. They would speak to each other formally. Her doctor would also address her by her name which I thought was unusual Gringsgot. ( sound like something from Harry Potter) After a couple of days in the room with this woman a man came into me and said Hallo Gringsgot. I looked at him blankly turned to Gringsgot and noticed that she was asleep. I turned back around and said Gringsgot is asleep in the next bed. He was confused and said I am the director for Erasmus students and I am looking for Ms. Callery. I suddenly had a flashback to 1^st year German class. The woman was not called Gringsgot she was simply greeted with Grüß Gott by her formal doctor. So in English I had basically said god be with you is asleep in the bed next to me. I am not God be with you, that woman over there is. I had also been calling the woman God be with you for several days.

Klo- Toilet

                 There was never a misunderstanding as to what the word Klo meant. Especially since the nurse was excellent at expressing what she meant. One of the nurses felt that she needed to act out everything she was saying to me. She would not only act it out, but she would yell really loudly and very slowly. DO. YOU. NEED.TO.USE.THE.TOILET. while making a squatting position. I wish she understood just because I was foreign did not mean that I was deaf or stupid.

Although it was difficult I cannot fault the german hospital system. I have them to thank for discovering my disease and unintentionally providing me with comic relief through my difficult time.

We ran out of toilet paper again?

Fellow Crohnies or those of you who are in the vicinity of those who have it are aware that it is necessary to lighten the load from time to time. (Pun intended) I was diagnosed with Crohns Disease in October of 2008 and am learning that the best medicine is laughter. The only other alternative is to be embarrassed by this pain in the arse disease. (Literally) So you have two options laugh or be embarrassed. That is one of the choices crohnies are more fortunate enough to have. Compared to the other wonderful decisions a crohnie can be faced with - Do I run out of this very important presentation that holds my final grade or do I stand near a window and hope for the best? Do I use the Men’s or skip the Women’s line and explain why I am skipping? Do I tell the McDonalds staff member they need to call a plumber or do I walk away? Do I miss the trip or go and have a crappy time. (That is three puns already but sorry it cannot be helped) So when it comes to choosing between laughter and embarrassment I choose laughter all the time.

“Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation deermines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” 

Fortunately I have a family who already find two things funny. Number 1 is toxic gases and number 2 is the Number 2. They say Crohns disease is a genetic trait and with the high level of flatulence at family get togethers, I sometimes wonder if I am not the only one. In fact not releasing some gas would raise questions as to whether you are even related.

My boyfriend Tyler with whom I moved in last year also eventually saw the funny side of things after he got over the colossal amount of toilet paper I went through. Although we shared the shopping bill, he ate most of the food and I consumed most of the toilet paper. As he is Canadian when an Irish girl with Crohns moved in he found himself buying two things more often than he ever expected, one was potatoes and the other was toilet paper. “We ran out of toilet paper again” was a common thing for him to say. “You ate all the ice cream” was a common response. He also learned that sometimes it is best not to ask questions.  Why do you have extra underwear in your purse? In case I stay at someone’s place and do not have time to go home would be my default response. Where would you stay over when you live with me, your boyfriend? So apparently if your girlfriend carries extra underwear in her purse there are only 2 explanations. She is seeing someone else or she has Crohns Disease. Finding one man to put up with a crohnie is difficult enough, two would be an absolute miracle. Also when I say we need to leave with urgency in my voice, few questions are asked.

                So this is a little introduction to a funny side of Crohns. My stories will vary from embarrassing language barriers in Germany to emptying a Dunkin Donuts in Washington D.C. from dealing with Crohns on a long distance flight and a train station with no bathroom, from the after affects of laughing gas to awkward conversations when someone asks “What exactly is Crohns disease”

Enjoy and pass it on to anyone with, Crohns, Colitis, IBD or someone that just had a bad case of the runs that could really use a good laugh.